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Personal post
Dec. 3rd, 2004 11:22 pmI've been mulling over things to say in a post, but nothing comes out. It is all considered too futile to be of any importance to be read by others. I cut things, censor my own life to make it less boring than it is.
When reading the numerous blogs I keep up with I am amazed how people dare to open up in front of virtually the entire world. I don't seem to be able to do that, haunted as I am by the thought of students tripping over this and reading me. But I miss it. I miss scribbling away in my little book, spelling out my thoughts and feeling for everyone to read -- if they have at least the courage to look for it. Work has eaten away at my time. The little book stays empty now.
Instead of that there's the internet, LJ. It's insufficient. It doesn't let me say everything I want to say. Or better said: I don't use it to say everything I want to say. There are thoughts that need a different way out.
I am the shy one. The one that stands on the side of things and watches. I thought I would behave differently on the internet, be more in the middle of things that happen, but like in real life I back off and live on the outskirts of random groups, cliques even.
And everywhere I wonder if I am ever liked.
When reading the numerous blogs I keep up with I am amazed how people dare to open up in front of virtually the entire world. I don't seem to be able to do that, haunted as I am by the thought of students tripping over this and reading me. But I miss it. I miss scribbling away in my little book, spelling out my thoughts and feeling for everyone to read -- if they have at least the courage to look for it. Work has eaten away at my time. The little book stays empty now.
Instead of that there's the internet, LJ. It's insufficient. It doesn't let me say everything I want to say. Or better said: I don't use it to say everything I want to say. There are thoughts that need a different way out.
I am the shy one. The one that stands on the side of things and watches. I thought I would behave differently on the internet, be more in the middle of things that happen, but like in real life I back off and live on the outskirts of random groups, cliques even.
And everywhere I wonder if I am ever liked.
