Self loathing

[franceslievens]

And what did I do today, what did I do with the list I made 12 hours ago? Let me say: naught. I didn't want it. Didn't have the willpower to do anything with it. Only this last hour I came round to typ away at The Water, but I'm anything but happy with it. It is so hard to flesh out the story. It is so damned hard. I can't make myself do it. I am so weak.

And it's not good enough. Never good enough. Why do I even bother with trying to write, when I know what I have to live up to. Even in Dutch it's horrible. Reading so much in English lately seems to impair my ability to think in Dutch. And actually that's bull's crap, because how many times do I have to look up a word when I'm writing in here? I have these images in my head and whatever I do, whatever I think, whatever I write down, it never lives up to the expectations I have from myself. And therefore I do naught. What else is there to do?

I see and read numerous things of people that spend so much time and effort on the things they do. And then I see what I accomplish and it is nothing. It means nothing. I just wish for a tiny bit of recognition, just a little bit, just the tiny pat on the back, to keep me going, to make me do these things.
But that ain't gonna happen, cos I'm just so fucking scared to finish what I started, scared that I will be rejected, cos I simply wasn't good enough.

Comments

[dis0spj.livejournal.com]

You should never think that what you do isn't good enough - that implies that there are standards that you have to measure up to, and that's really not true.

If you're writing something, then you should write because you want to write, and you love what you're writing about, or feel that the story has to be told. And if it's important to you, if it means something to you, then it is good enough. The only standards you have to live up to are the ones you impose on yourself.

If it means something to you, and if you're passionate about what you're writing, that will come through in the writing. Sometimes I see things or read things, and they're technically perfect - absolutely wonderful, you can't fault them in any way. Not the language, not the plot or characters - nothing. But... they just lack feeling. They're too clinical.

When I'm reading something, the thing that matters the most to me is sort of to see the writer behind the words - to see that the writer really felt what s/he was writing.

That's sort of how I feel about what I write. I know it's not perfect - I know I make mistakes and don't describe things like I should, and don't think very abstractly in description, and am not very original when it comes to plotline... but I guess I hope that people can see that I really love what I write, and I hope that comes through, and maybe then they'll like it because of that.

If you love what you're writing about / love writing, it'll come through in the story, and that will make it good enough. :-)

[frances-lievens.livejournal.com]

Thanks sweetie.
Yesterday (okay, last night actually) I felt so bad about what I was trying to do. But I guess that's just me. Always very uncertain, always looking for someone that says I'll just gotta go on and stop worrying.
I really wanna tell this story. Gonna work on it tomorrow afternoon. I have a first draft to work on. That'll make it easier.

Thanks again. I'll keep you posted.