Still on

[franceslievens]

While my pupils watch a film I've already seen, I'm sat behind the iPad. Little Bit and I had some hard words this morning. With little time to spare LB wanted to look for her sunglasses. None of us has any idea where they are. We really needed to leave or wouldn't be on time at school. So there was shouting, and dragging her down the stairs to put on her shoes and her running back up the stairs to be sulky. Bear accompanied her to school. She was very grateful for that.

I'm left feeling like a bad Mama. Little Bit needs patience. She doesn't like being told what she must or mustn't do. That is also a constant cause of conflict at circus school. LB is afraid of heights, and fears the trapeze. I tell her she must try it once, and then we quarrel.
Usually we quarrel because there is no time to sit down and talk and come up with a compromise. Or I'm tired of having had these exact same disagreements at school, and want my kid to listen to me.
But toddler school is stressy too. Her play friend is very demanding and bosses her around a lot. LB tells her off (like she does with me, but not as strongly), and ends up being told she can't play along then. (I teach at LB's school on Tuesdays. I have witnessed this behaviour.)

So I end up going to a quiet place where I write down what irks me about me and I hope I find strength and patience again. We'll have Easter break next week. We all need it.

Comments

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

It's scary how somtimes my arguments with a 3-year-old mirror those with 15-year-olds...

My experience is that a simple "No" sometimes seems terribly difficult to understand and to accept. Even if there are reasons that are calmly explained. But regardless of reasons, kid has to learn that "No, don't do this." or "No, you can't" isn't open to debate. Sometimes compromise is possible, but it is too easy to confuse it with "I managed to persuade her to get what I wanted." Bargaining only works with people who accept your word. Scarily, at the moment I'm better at this with the little one than with half-grown-up pupils.

That makes me sound terrible, doesn't it?

But yes, sometimes the kid is unhappy about the grown-up's decisions. Sometimes I make him do things, like get dressed and say goodbye to his best friend after a playdate. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to separate the two of them. We had to drag a screaming kid out of his friend's house.

I'm so glad that I'm only working at my desk and not in school at the moment, but again it seems like the break is racing away. We had some thoughts about going away somewhere but with the weather being cold we are not so sure anymore and I don't think we'll manage booking a flight/hotel deal to somewhere sunnier for next week. Well, it woud be nice getting away from it all, but it's not like there isn't tons of stuff for us to do/organize around here.

Also, I've always been a little envious of your mentions of circus school! One of my childhood dreams. But I can see how stressful it can be for a parent...

[frances-lievens.livejournal.com]

Had another episode this evening with her coming out of bed. Later demanding the light be switched on again, but she won't go to sleep with a light in her room. Always bargaining for more, and not accepting "no". I just can't keep calm around that behaviour.

[iphi1.livejournal.com]

From a different perspective, my 4 y old with autism simply cannot comprehend no. He's incapable of processing a no or a direct command. It helps tremendously to give him a choice.
For example: "Put on your shoes!" will result in a tantrum. However; which shoes do you want to put on? Will you do it or should mom help? Etc; works like a charm.
Yes it's all tricks and bargaining and no, he doesn't always listen to me, but the result is often there. Off to school on time and without a major meltdown. Success! I'm told by professionals (psychologists and orthopedagogians?) , I shouldn't feel guilty for using these kind of tricks on kids. Learning to make the right choice is in the end more important than imposing boundaries, in my opinion.

[frances-lievens.livejournal.com]

I always say all kids have some kind of autism, but growing up is growing out of it, because you start to understand the subtleties of language. I have noticed giving LB a (limited) choice (which coat do you want to wear or you can't wear that coat because it's cold out, but you can choose from these) works better too. She likes to have control. Problems start when I take the choice away. Thanks for the tip. Now I can consciously search for different strategies than the blatant "No, you can't".

The grown-up mind works in the same way: we all like to think we chose, even though that choice was somewhat determined from the start.

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

I absolutely agree that giving choices is a great strategy - I try to do this where possible (and when I manage to think ahead and do it, half the time it only occurs to me afterwards that I could have made life a lot easier that way) and it often helps, even if it's just a distraction. I think that this is bargaining and compromise that works.

What I'm trying to avoid is to give in to the sort of bargaining where we've agreed on three lego short films on the computer and he goes: "But please, just one more!" because two minutes later it is "Oh, another one! Please!!!"