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Standing in front of students all day is extremely confronting. They see everything I do, hear everything I say and will react whenever that's wrong or doesn't fit into their grand scheme of things.
On the other hand I'm the one that watches them, gives remarks for their mistakes and faults, puts everything they do down into one silly number that should be the exact representation of the way they've proven themselves. Or not. Mostly I'm only giving remarks. "You girl, be quiet!" "Boy, sit still!" "All of you, this isn't recreation, but the time to work!" I feel bad at the end of the day, because things didn't go as planned and sometimes it went completely out of hand. My head spins when I get home. I replay the scene in my head, think about things I should have said and done and then I replay it all again. I think: "This isn't me. I'll never be a good teacher. I'll never be able to get the class' attention."
But I have to go on. Next week will be better. I'll prepare better. It'll be okay.
On the other hand I'm the one that watches them, gives remarks for their mistakes and faults, puts everything they do down into one silly number that should be the exact representation of the way they've proven themselves. Or not. Mostly I'm only giving remarks. "You girl, be quiet!" "Boy, sit still!" "All of you, this isn't recreation, but the time to work!" I feel bad at the end of the day, because things didn't go as planned and sometimes it went completely out of hand. My head spins when I get home. I replay the scene in my head, think about things I should have said and done and then I replay it all again. I think: "This isn't me. I'll never be a good teacher. I'll never be able to get the class' attention."
But I have to go on. Next week will be better. I'll prepare better. It'll be okay.
