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Self loathing
Jun. 1st, 2004 12:40 amAnd what did I do today, what did I do with the list I made 12 hours ago? Let me say: naught. I didn't want it. Didn't have the willpower to do anything with it. Only this last hour I came round to typ away at The Water, but I'm anything but happy with it. It is so hard to flesh out the story. It is so damned hard. I can't make myself do it. I am so weak.
And it's not good enough. Never good enough. Why do I even bother with trying to write, when I know what I have to live up to. Even in Dutch it's horrible. Reading so much in English lately seems to impair my ability to think in Dutch. And actually that's bull's crap, because how many times do I have to look up a word when I'm writing in here? I have these images in my head and whatever I do, whatever I think, whatever I write down, it never lives up to the expectations I have from myself. And therefore I do naught. What else is there to do?
I see and read numerous things of people that spend so much time and effort on the things they do. And then I see what I accomplish and it is nothing. It means nothing. I just wish for a tiny bit of recognition, just a little bit, just the tiny pat on the back, to keep me going, to make me do these things.
But that ain't gonna happen, cos I'm just so fucking scared to finish what I started, scared that I will be rejected, cos I simply wasn't good enough.
And it's not good enough. Never good enough. Why do I even bother with trying to write, when I know what I have to live up to. Even in Dutch it's horrible. Reading so much in English lately seems to impair my ability to think in Dutch. And actually that's bull's crap, because how many times do I have to look up a word when I'm writing in here? I have these images in my head and whatever I do, whatever I think, whatever I write down, it never lives up to the expectations I have from myself. And therefore I do naught. What else is there to do?
I see and read numerous things of people that spend so much time and effort on the things they do. And then I see what I accomplish and it is nothing. It means nothing. I just wish for a tiny bit of recognition, just a little bit, just the tiny pat on the back, to keep me going, to make me do these things.
But that ain't gonna happen, cos I'm just so fucking scared to finish what I started, scared that I will be rejected, cos I simply wasn't good enough.
