franceslievens | Tiny wars

Sometimes I fear my own self and what I become in the face of the aggressiveness the pupils at one of my schools have towards each other. It spreads, and turns itself towards the teacher trying to cool things off. That teacher being me, she is unable to cool things off, but only makes it worse, yelling and fuming. When I return home on Tuesdays I still have steam coming out of my ears. I start pinpointing everything that went wrong during the afternoon, and that makes me feel even worse. "It's all my fault that they don't listen to me," I whine, and wonder how I can cool down, for I have gone over that frustration treshold again – where it leads to agressiveness. The next day carries the scars and bruises of last day's tiny war. There is no tranquility within me, and the defences are up at the littlest complication.

On these days I ponder if I should take the words of my singing teacher seriously: "Why don't you audition? If you like to go further in this..." But I'm too scared.