Through the Looking-Glass

[franceslievens]

The grown-up world brings heaps of responsibilities with it. You've got to pay your bills, follow the rules and take up your punishment when you've done anything wrong. You can't shove everything onto someone else's neck and go on doing the fun stuff. You won't use someone else as a scapegoat, because that'll make you feel guilty. The more I look at it, the more I see a society designed to make us feel guilty, for eating French fries, again, for not going to the gym, for running that red light, because just a moment ago it was still orange, for letting your temper overrule your judgement. Guilt paralises, makes you an insomniac, a wreck.

The guilt is overwhelming. It comes when I least expect it, like a thief hidden in the bushes waiting for me to pass and then snatch my bag away from under my arm. Instead of a bag, the guilt takes every certainty I had, every rationality. In the end it'll take away your sanity and your pride. Then there's nothing left, and only the feeling of being wrong remains.

But I didn't do anything wrong. It's not wrong to want. Neither is it wrong to feel angry or hurt. Still it feels wrong, and that feeling is all the more real than everything my mind tells me.

Comments

[chrissie-linnit.livejournal.com]

I so relate to this, Frances.

Never feel bad about having feelings though... it's the actions that follow from them that have consequence.

So, PsychProf constantly tells me. *hangs head in shame*

[frances-lievens.livejournal.com]

And it's the actions that have triggered the guilt in the first place... *sigh* I'm convinced I didn't do anything wrong, but still I'm scared -- of what I might do next time, of what they think about what I've done.

I'm scared of losing myself.